Pasta in the Desert
by Pinkchibs
Summary: The characters of Hetalia are desert creatures, and everyone seems to be after a certain French adder. Also, the name is rather unrelated to the story... animals don't eat pasta!  Rated T for a little violence, and mild language


Most of the Pronunciations are pretty straight-forward, but here are some that may cause troubles

Jakolengland – Jack-o-lin-gland

Fradder – Frad-durr

Coyomany – Kai-oh-man-ee

Doiote – Doy-ote-ee

Badgapan – Badj-ah-pan

Polaroo-rat – Pole-ah-roo-rat

"You scaly git!" squealed Jakolengland, dashing after Fradder as he squirmed light-speed over the hot sand on his belly. He would have liked to slow down and enjoy the feeling of sinking into the warm sand. The feeling of heat traveling into his ever-cold veins. But he knew this friction was warmer, just not as nice.

Jakolengland finally caught up with Fradder, and bit his tail. He hissed in surprise and pain, and crawled up Jakolengland, kissing his long ear as he crawled up to his antlers. Fradder twisted and tangled himself around them, until his rib cage looped around his ribcage, and his kidney was pressed up against his scales.

"Aah! Get the fork off my head!" squealed Jakolengland. His voice was very high and squeaky.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Usa-bun. "You sound I used to, Britalope." he cried, his voice even higher. "Do you remember that? When I was little?"

Jakolengland opened his mouth to say that yes he did, back when Usa-bun only whined half as much! but Fradder spoke before he could.

"Britalope! Ah, I like that. It sssssoundssssss like _elope_." he said (funny how France is the adder, when he almost never pronounces his 's's. Vous, Paris, ssssssuis... I did say 'almost!') "We shhhhhould elope, UKalope." said Fradder with a chuckle.

"Never, bloody snake!" Said Jakolengland, and swiped a paw at Fradder. He hissed and bit Jakolengland's ear. "Owch!"

"I'll help, I'm the hero!" said Usa-bun and leaped onto Jakolengland's head. But since he was only a little smaller than the Brit, he hung off his head.

Jakolengland, who was getting a too personal view of Usa-bun's underbelly, shook his head rapidly. Usa-bun fell off, rolling cutely on the ground before getting his baring, and Fradder was badly disoriented.

"Don't do thhhhhat!" Fradder whined.

Suddenly, the threesome heard a cry from the air.

"Helloooooo!" cawed Russawk as he descended toward the ground. When he landed, sand flew up everywhere, getting in Fradder's handsome scaly face. He hollered and slither off Jakolengland to wipe his face with his tail.

Russawk carefully folded his huge wingspan, watching to make sure his scarf stayed wrapped around his feathered neck. He cocked his head, parting his prominent beak. "You all look so delicious!" he peeped gleefully. "Especially Usa-bun!" he looked at the small sandy-colored heir with greedy purple bird eyes.

"No! I'm the hero, you can't kill the hero!" Usa-bun cried and started shaking as Russawk trotted nearer. "Fradder will taste better!" but Russawk just kept hoping closer, chanting for Usa-bun to become one with his digestive track. Usa-bun, terrified for his life, blurted out a dark secret "I eat my own crap!"

This stopped Russawk. "Oh, maybe Fradder will taste better." He turned his attention to Fradder, hiding, curled up behind Jakolengland's hind leg.

"Yah, take him," squeaked Jakolengland, pawing Fradder towards Russawk. Fradder uncurled and stood up on his belly, trying to look threatening.

But all Russawk saw was an easy target. He lunged, doing a flip and catching Fradder's thin body in his strong talons. Then without a pause, Russawk spread his wings before he landed, and glided over the dessert sand.

He teased Fradder, letting his tail drag over the sand before ascending to the sun, laughing. Russawk knew that Fradder having his tail on the ground without a friend to grab it. But there was no way the two lapins could catch up to Russawk, not that Russawk could look back to check.

"You demon! Let me go! Let me go!" cried Fradder.

Russawk's sharp eyes saw something he didn't want to run in with, and he cawed in frustration as he climbing the sky, flapping his wings.

"I sssssaid let me go! You damned devil!"

"I thought you were the one who convinced man to eat the apple." said Russawk.

Fradder cried out again "Demon! Quoting sssscripture! Lemme go!"

Russawk flapped harder, wondering exactly how high the one he had spied on the ground could jump.

Coyomany, in fact could jump rather high. He dashed after Russawk, sprinting at top speed to catch up the the bird-of-prey before he could get to high

"Wait for us, Doiote!" barked Fenaly-fox.

"Yes!" agreed Badgapan, with a rougher bark.

Coyomany slowed his sprint just enough for the burn to leave his underarms as he reached all the way out to the mountains and sent them back into the sand with a soft _pat_. The sand was hot in between Coyomany's toes, and the sun was hot on his greyish fur, and the tissues inside of his muscles tightened and heated with his effort. Even just to _see_ or smell Russawk's meal, Coyomany ran through the dessert.

But it was his job. To prey. In the dessert.

He heard Fenaly-fox panting like, well a dog. Like the dog he was deep inside.

Coyomany slowed more, then finally stopped. He shouted a cuss at Russawk, who responded with a shrill cry in bird-speak.

Coyomany wanted to collapse and die in he hot sand, but he forced himself to simply sit in his haunches.

Fenaly-fox trudged through the sand, somehow managing to sink in with each tiny step of his bony legs and his tiny bony body.

He was small enough, in fact, to be able to sit under Coyomany's front legs in the shade he cast. Fenaly-fox's huge massive not-tiny ears tickled Coyomany's chest as the pair of dogs sat and panted.

"Why... did you bother... following me if you... don't like fresh-meat?" asked Coyomany. Fenaly-fox refused to be hunted for, preferring leftovers and berries. If anything he would eat dessert-rats.

"I... just... did." replied Fenaly-fox.

"You ought to... go find a Baltirat... and leave me here to... die."

"No... please don't... die Doiote." said Fenaly-fox. Fenaly-fox paused, and Coyomany waited for him to catch his breathe a bit much. "Why'd you... even bother chasing... after Russawk? You knew..."

Coyomany huffed. He did know. He know the hawk was faster, meaner, and could go higher than the coyote could jump in a matter of flaps.

"I don't know... I'm just... hungry."

"But you always... say to... conserve energy."

"I know. But... times are hard..."

After a short pause, Fenaly-fox said "We ought to go back... for Badgapan."

"I bet he's sitting under a shady cactus." said Coyomany jealously, getting up.

"If he is...we should use the cactus water... to make some pasta!" Even though Fenaly-fox's heart beat faster than Coyomany, his lungs were much smaller.

"Fenaly-fox!" sighed Coyomany. And the two set out back for their friend.

Meanwhile, Usa-bun and Jakolengland were very worried for Fradder, but refused to show it to each other. So the only other thing they could do was argue.

"Suppose Russawk does eat Fradder." said Jakolengland. "Then what shall we do? We won't even have a predator on our side!"

"Maybe you should go find Spainouger." said Usa-bun.

"You bloody git! Spainouger would eat us faster than you could eat a hamburger!"

"Ok, ok. Calm down, Britalope." said Usa-bun. "Maybe we'll be okay..."

"We will not."

"Will too."

"We won't be okay!"

"Yes we will"

"Won't."

"Will."

"W- why am I indulging you to find like a child?"

"Because you liked me more back when I was hairless little... thingie." said Usa-bun, loosing words to describe himself as a kit.

"I did not." huffed Jakolengland, well it sounded more like a sneeze really. Jakolengland had fond memories of cute baby Usa-bun, but it was also hard work raising a kit without a proper warren.

"So you're saying you like me better now?" challenged Use-bun.

"No!"

And the two fought till the sun rose to the center of the sky.

Chifinch heard Russawk hooting and calling with glee, and the smaller bird wondered what Russawk had caught. Chifinch hoped out of his home in the hollowed out cactus, and called to Russawk with his shrill song voice.

His call woke up the three Baltirats, who were napping in the shade of the plant.

"Huh?" squeaked Estonirat

"Russawk is back, aru."

"Oh no, I bet he's hungry!" exclaimed Latrat

"No, that's just it, aru. Russawk has prey." informed Chifinch happily.

"Really?" asked Ratuania

"Yup." said Chifinch as Russawk descended and lander in the sand. Again as he landed, sand flew up, coating the Baltirats, who took the opportunity and buried themselves deeper.

"Silly little Baltirats."

"Aaahh!" Fradder hissed from underneath Russawk's feet

"Oops! I almost forgot." said Russawk, and picked Fradder up him his large beak.

"Ohh..." groaned Fradder "I think a few offffff my ribssssss broke." He hung limply in Russawk's beak.

"Russawk, just eat him and put him out of his misery, aru." peeped Chifinch firmly.

"Aw, okay." said Russawk, suddenly growing very depressed.

"Like, yeah Russawk. You should totally stop playing with your food." Polaroo-rat hopped out from around the cactus. "Even if it is, like, Fradder."

Russawk cocked his head, and Fradder groaned again as he shifted in the big bird's beak. "You look pretty tasty too, Polaroo-rat." mused Russawk.

"No...!" Ratuania mumbled from under the sand.

"Yeah, like, catch if you can!" squealed Polaroo-rat and started hopping around like a crazy thing. Russawk tried to keep his purple eyes trained on the annoying rodent, but Polaroo-rat was going to fast.

"Arg, stop it, or I'll have you for dessert." said Russawk, and Polaroo-rat promptly turned his long tail and jumped into the sand with the Baltirats.

"Get out." hissed Estonirat.

"No, let him stay." squeaked Ratuania.

Russawk tossed his head, like rolling his eyes, and Fradder was tossed as well, with a yelp.

Chifinch cringed. "Just eat him, please Russawk."

"Da, da." Russawk grudgingly hop-flew up to the top of the cactus and started to eat Fradder.

Chifinch sighed and rested his wiegth against the wall of the cactus.

Soon he heard something. He poked his head out of the hole cautiously, and found Fenaly-fox sniffing around the cactus.

"I'm sure they're here, I can smell it." he said

"I can too, but still." Chifinch jumped slightly at Coyote's deep bark. He decided to steer them away from the lump of sand he could see trembling.

"Who're you looking for, aru?" he asked casually.

"The Baltirats." replied Fenaly-fox.

"Anyone." said Coyomany, then he spied Russawk napping on top of the cactus after his lunch. "You dirty bird! You freaking stole Fradder from me! I'll freaking eat _you_ now!" he barked.

"Now freaking eats _you_, da?" said Russawk and started laughing. Chifinch laughed too; he couldn't help it, those jokes were always funny to him even if they didn't make any sense half the time.

"I'll freaking tear your wings up, then you won't be able to outrun me!" Coyomany went on.

"Oh calm down, Coyomany. You're just cranky because you're hungry." said Fenaly-fox, who was sniffing at Chifinch.

Suddenly Chifinch remembered the Baltirats and Polaroo-rat. "Yes, and we don't have anything for you. Go away, find your own food, aru."

Coyomany had placed his front paws, carefully, on the cactus so he stood full height like a man, and was growling at Russawk. And continuing his treats.

"Da? Well I'll claw out your eyes. Or tear your furry ears off." said Russawk.

"I'll pluck out everyone of your feathers."

"I'll skin you."

"I'll bit your head off in one smack."

Now Fenaly-fox who couldn't help but imagine all of this, imagined a bit to hard and promptly lost his appetite. He also noticed Coyomany's threats were getting as empty as his stomach, while Russawk grew more and more annoyed. "Um, Doiote... maybe you should listen to Chifinch."

"I'll claw Fradder right out of your stomach and eat him myself."

"I'll peck your liver out, and then your gallbladder, and then..." Russawk was interrupted by Fenaly-fox, who had started to whine.

"Fine, we can go." huffed Coyomany and lowered himself from the cactus, poking his paw only once.

After the two had left, Ratuania and Polaroo-rat emerged from the pile.

"Funny how they couldn't find us." remarked Ratuania.

"They were just too hungry, aru." said Chifinch, with a little pity. If the Axis were going like this, they'd be dead soon.

"I think they were delusional." said Russawk quietly.

"Ok, now _I'm_ hungry." said Chifinch. "Are you four up for some foraging, aru?"

"Sure" said the Baltirats.

"Totally!" said Polaroo-rat.


End file.
